i suck.
i admit it.
i suck a lot. now, i don't mean that i enjoy fellatio (at least not the giving of) or anything like that, i mean this strictly in the colloquial sense, that is, i am a lesser quality human being. the way i figure it, certain types of people just suck, it's part of their nature. here's a few examples of the types of people who make my "We Suck A Fat Dick" list:
1. men
2. christians
3. vegans
4. hippies
5. fratboys
6. record collectors
7. hardline straightedgers
8. dumb kids
well, dear reader, as you can see, being a male i'm firmly entrenched on the suck list. but i have a confession to make. recently i've begun to suck more than i have in a long time. this last week... i... i became vegan.
Yes, it's true, recoil in horror, gasp in dismay, i, once an avowed proponent of the virtues of burgers, bacon, and butt steak, have given up meat and dairy. i know, it's painful to hear. and the worst part is... there's more. not only have i given up meat and dairy, but also caffeinated beverages and chocolate! i've started drinking soymilk!!! next i'll be bleaching my hair, getting tattoos, wearing a black hooded sweat shirt everywhere, and inscribing propaganda onto bathroom walls! (speaking of which, the new Propagandhi record, Less Talk More Rock (or vice versa) just kicks ass. buy it, you filthy capitalist.)
before you turn away in shame and disgust, i have something else i need to get off my chest... i think i might be a record collector. i'm not really sure. i've experimented a little, you know, with open minded friends, but i don't know if it's for me or not. i got the Jawbreaker 7" for Busy a couple weeks ago... and i really liked it. i also bought a bunch more Boris the Sprinkler records... TO COMPLETE MY COLLECTION. thank you all for listening to this, it hasn't been easy to say. especially without the manic energy of caffeine pumping through my veins.
yeah, so i quit caffeine. man, you think it's rough quitting eating meat? well honey let me tell ya, meat is cake compared to coffee, sugar. and let's not even talk about chocolate. it's been nine days so far. the first two were okay, day three was torture. my head pounded incessantly, and i felt listless and tired all day. and i got pretty cranky too. if i'd've had a gun on that day, wednesday february 19th, things would have gotten ugly. real ugly. (we're talking crusty '77 style punk ugly, that's right, big, dumb, unwashed, greasy, leather-and-spike wearing, smelly, bad attitude and worse teeth UG-LEE!) yes, there'd certainly be a few less Hoosiers in the world, that's for damn sure.
being caffeine free also makes it rough to write PunksG columns, because i don't stay up super late till i get all fucked up and hyperactive. i just get kinda sleepy and go to bed, which greatly increase the difficulty of producing material, because when i'm tired and manic my That's Stupid Don't Write That filter shuts down, whereas when i'm alert and awake i'm all too conscious of how stupid what i write really is. (it's especially difficulty because other than Simon, i'm the only person who actually writes for PunksG. those other people? all fictitious. Simon and i ghost write everything, so you'll think you're getting a lot of people's ideas but in truth there's only two of us here in the Batcave. and Simon's a robot to boot. i built him from a kit i got at Radio Shack. sorry you had to find out like this, i just can't keep living a lie.)
on the plus side, Decaff Nate saves a good deal of cash cuz veggies and bread and such are nice and cheap. except for soymilk. that shit's expensive. but it's tasty! ah well. so i've been saving a little money. this week i'm living on vegetarian baked beans, noodles, vegetable soup, carrots, cherry tomatoes, orange juice, soymilk, wheat bread, and raisin bran. plus, with all the extra cash i have after avoiding cash and sweets i can blow my money on more frivolities like records, guitar strings, and comic books! i finally took Brian Misanthropist's advice and bought a Cerebus graphic novel. Church and State it's entitled, got it for thirty bucks (not bad for a couple hundred pages) at Galactic Greg's comix, and it's rad rad rad. i'm hooked, it's like a comic book fajita wrap! (speaking of which- did you know the difference between a tocal bell fajita wrap and a taco bell supreme fajita wrap is that a supreme has tomatoes and sour cream? that's the only difference! i don't know about you, but sour cream and tacos do NOT make something supreme, no matter how much of them you have. tomatoes and sour cream are just additives, when there OUGHT to be a fundamental difference between supreme and regular. not a difference in condiments! i feel so let down.) thanks a fucking heap brian! i really needed to funnel more of my money into wasteful pursuits like fun and comics. *sigh* it's all good though. in addition to having more cash, i sleep a little more, and have a little more energy. which is good, because lately at work we've been getting to break shit (old set pieces and so forth), and i'd be seriously pissed off if i didn't have the energy to smash things.
looking over what i've just written, i realized something: i may suck, but i STILL suck less than i did a couple years ago! yipee! you see, over the course of my evolution, i've been a dumb kid (used to drink a lot... what can i say...), a christian (man, we're taking out all the trash today! jeez!), and a hardliner. so in terms of over all lifetime suck level, i think right now i'm pretty well below average. i just gotta get rid of my grateful dead and phish records before anyone finds out i'm secretly a hippie...
i would work out mathematically my current Suck Value, and determine a system by which the Suck Values of other people could be ascertained, but i got a lot of complaints about the use of equations in my last column. apparently math isn't punk rock. i guess i should scrub the quadratic formula off of the back of my leather jacket then, huh? how could i have labored under such a terrible misconception all there years? how humiliating! why didn't anyone tell me?! no wonder no one ever talks to me at shows! boy am i dumb. well, if you ARE interested in finding out your Suck Value, i wish you the best of luck and offer you the following to help you figure it out: you suck more than me. (see, cuz i suck less than you. so you have to suck more than me. it's in your nature.) but don't feel bad. everybody sucks more than me. in fact, the Descendants were going to title their new record 'Everything Sucks But Nate Sucks Less Than Everything Else Sucks Because Everything Else Sucks More Than Nate,' but it didn't fit on the cover. and Milo's a college proffessor, so if he says i suck less and you suck more, i think he's probably right. even though he sucks more than me.
by the way, feel free to email me. if you're unsure about what to say, talk about how much you suck, or how much i suck. or about whatever. my current favorite discussion topics are how communism is more moral that capitalism, how great the new Propagandhi record is, how much i miss my girlfriend, and how neat it would be if we brought back the roman tradition of the vomitorium.
i like email.
