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![]() The following is a graphic depiction of punk lifestyle! Veiwer discretion advised. Still here? Alright you asked for it! Michelle Hodges is punk! This crazy bitch is a very good friend of mine, and we've shared many insane expeiriences together. Michelle is originally from Taylor, Michigan,a suburb of Detroit. Life has seperated us at the moment, but you can bet your little ass that we will be reunited. She's currently attending Western Michigan University and living the life! If you're anywhere near Kalamazoo, Michigan, watch out! You might be the subject of one of her pranks. She tells me that she's toned down her adventures, but she still does her share of throwing the old monkeywrench into socities gears! I met Michelle almost a year ago at the local shopping mall, but please don't hold this against her. At the time she was drinking, fucking, and eating meat like a heathen. Now she's a straight edge vegan, still a heathen, and i'm sure she'd fuck the socks off your stupid ass! What makes Michelle the punk legend that she is, is her fearless attitude toward life. What other gorgeous blond would piss on a teddy bear and set it out in the mall for bait? (If you know of one tell her i'm available.) Wait! This is just the begining. Where should i start? I'll just give you what i can think of off the top of my head. The first time we went out hunting for fools to laugh at, we chose the local white trash meca. The Gibralter Trade Center is a fucking dump filled with homemade clothes, tattoo parlors, car audio booths, biker stores, you get the picture. Well Michelle and I scouted the place out and found a clucking chicken that dispensed hollow eggs filled with shit only a kid would want for 25 cents. We bought a few of these magical eggs and fucked around with the contents 'till we got bored. We put empty eggs back in the machine to build and crush children's dreams. This was as boring, if not more so, than fishing, so i decided to put a cigarette and some matches in an egg. I hoped this would piss off a white trash parent enough to complain to management. In actuality, the parent would have smoked the cigarrete, hit the kid, and management would still be passed out drunk. This was getting boring. We were pissed. The eggs did give us ideas though, and we decided to keep them in mind for future pranks. We took a trip across the street to the real mall to visit my friend Ryan. We bullshitted and told our tale when a great idea crossed our minds! Piss, or shit, on a teddy bear, and leave it in the mall for a kid to pick up! We hurried back to the Trade Center and got our bear. We returned to the mall and went straight to the bathrooms to start our hygiencs! We wanted to poop on it, but noone had any poo. We decided to pee on it. I had just taken a piss, so it was up to Michelle to do the pissing. She went into the bathroom and emerged triumphant. With our new bear soked in piss, we went out into the mall to find a sucker. People were on to us from the start. Noone would touch the prize. We tried and tried, but nothing would work. We took our bear to Ryan and told him our sad story. Ryan said we should give it another shot. We agreed and Ryan set the bear outside his work. The bear wasn't even sitting there five minutes, when a pack of white gangsta bitches started heading towards it. One particularly loud and obnoxious bitch went for the bear. She picked up her pink, piss soked prize and began hugging it and yelling "Oh my bear! I'm soooo glad i found you!" We were glad too. She and her friends left still hugging the bear. Didn't she notice that the bear was soaked? I guess stupid people get what they deserve. On a different occasion i was hanging out with my friend Rob. We were bored and couldn't think of anything to do. I suggested we go pick up Michelle, so we did. That was the start of a beautiful day. Now that Rob and I had Michelle with us, the possibilities were endless! Remembering the egg from an earlier escapade, i came up with a great idea. First we got an egg, then we went about filling it with the most hideous things we had on hand. I put McDonald's mayonaise in it, and Michelle displayed her punkness to Rob by going into the ladie's room and returning with toilet water! The water when mixed with mayo made the contents very liquidy, which was perfect. My plan was to have a child find an egg and get super stoked and open it. When they did, they'd have toilet water and mayo all over their hands! We took our egg to a local children's restaurant Chuck-E-Cheeses. Chuck-E-Cheeses is a pizza place with a bunch of video games and shit for youngsters to do. We placed the egg on the ground and waited. Our great prank did not have luck on it's side today however, because the excitement the egg was supposed to create was eclipsed by the excitement of an escaped kitten from a little girl's birthday party. The cat was eventually found underneathe a video game and we continued to fish. Their was little activity, and few bites. The only bite of significance was a little girl, around 4 years old, who could not manage to open the egg. We got restless and put the egg on a window sill so we could see the action from outside. We went outside and waited and waited and waited. People were just walking by the egg and noone seemed to notice it. Where was these people's curiosity? Finally a little girl picked it up and gave it to her grandpa. He opened it for her and got our surprise. He got it all over his hands. He was pissed! Grandpa put the egg back together and went to get a manager. He was screeming at employees and going apeshit. When a manager finally appeared, he made the manager open the egg, making our death toll two. Satisfied, we left. The previous night i had been at a local street fair, and i saw Michelle. She was doing pranks with others that consisted of writing stupid things on the ground with chalk. They would find someone they knew and write their name where they were standing and draw arrows pointing at them. Anyway, we went to the street fair after the egg incident. Michelle and i peed in empty beer cups and poured them on the ground so we could watch people walk through it. The best was when people in sandals would walk through our pee. We had limited success with this venture, so we moved on to Mejers. Mejers is a big 24 hour food/other shit store that attracts a fair crowd no matter what time it is. We did the pee thing again with better success. (Due to the fact that we'd each drank about a two liter on the way and this time Rob added his pee to the mayhem) The pee was becoming dull, we needed something better. Michelle came through once again. Since she was the only girl, she went into the ladies room (deja vu) and came out with our new weapon of urban terrorism, a tampon. We soked the tampon in pizza hut breadstick sauce and placed it right outside the doors. Most acted like they didn't see it, few stepped on it, some missed it entirely, and the chosen were repulsed. Us 2, society 0. We went inside the store and were immediately confronted. "Are you kid's throwing shit at people?!!!" "UMMM...No?" "Get Out!!" cool. These are just what came to mind, i know there's more. I hear Michelle is busy at college. I also hear someone poured a whole bottle of soap into the same college fountain which earlier on had been the home to incredible grow sea creatures. Wow. Someone at WMU locked all the stalls from the inside in the girl's bathroom forcing people to use the one two floors upstairs too. Double Wow. There's also a report of a certain individual using toothbrushes to cleen out a poop filled toilet. Amazing. Gee, i wonder. I've always loved my bud Michelle, and now so does Bigelow Hall's entire population. Keep up the good work Michelle! Don't forget to put cans of pop in the back of grocery store freezers! Can anyone say grenade? Back in my old hometown there were also strange happenings. (So what if this isn't about Michelle? Fuck you!) It seemed the Wendy's i worked at had problems. No, not free food handed out to skaters and punks! Someone rearranged the sign out front. Instead of advertising fast food items it said "Now late orgy tonight" "$6 cunnilingus" and "upsize your pussy combo for 39 cents". What a coincidence! At my Wendy's no less. Soon after that i quit. But i took with me the memories of hearing of the managers taste for pudding. Not so strange you say? Well your right. I also remember hearing about someone sticking their dick in ALL the puddings the night before a big manager meeting. Now that you know a little bit more about good ol' Michelle, i hope the rest of your life isn't as bleek. How about you? Do any good ones lately? ![]() New | Main | Music | Columns | D.I.Y. | Art | Zines | Contribute |