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![]() I was sitting here, at my computer playing "golf," a card game which is as mind-numbing and boring as anything that I've ever done, when I mentioned just how stupid the game was to my roommate and "webmaster," Simon. He instantly agreed, and retaliated with a plethora of mindless computer game-bashings. I had to agree, but his slams of the games were a tad harsh - (i.e., "I'd rather you do anything than play those computer games.") I asked for suggestions, and he immediately said, "You could type me a column!" So, under the iron fist of Simon, I am now doing this mindless drivel, instead of the mindless drivel that I was doing just a few moments ago. Over the course of your next few reading minutes, I am going to try to prove that Simon is in fact, a paranoid schizophrenic. According to my Psychology 100 book, the definition of a paranoid schizophrenic is: "This condition is characterized by preoccupation with systematic delusions." Furthermore, the book lists three types of paranoid delusions. They are: 1 - Grandeur: Exaggerated sense of self-importance 2 - Persecution: Feeling that one is being persecuted - duh. 3 - Reference: Incorporates unimportant events within delusions framework I am now going to attempt to prove that Simon suffers from all three of these delusions, especially grandeur. Grandeur, as far as His Highness, excuse me - Simon is concerned is not hard to prove at all. Neither is persecution. I have various instances where Simon has "leaped" into the personality of people who are famous, rich, or have died long ago. The first example is Adolf Hitler. Simon jumps into Hitler's personality a lot. Usually when the room is messy, but mostly if his computer appears scratched, smudged, dusty, or breathed on wrong. He starts goose-stepping around the room, chanting German profanities. Often, he grows a small mustache and starts to bald. (The uniform is in our closet). Moving on, Simon occasionally leaps into a 18 year-old-jock's personality. My personal favorite saying from this personality is "Fuckin' some shit." Usually, Simon only leaps into this personality when something goes wrong with his computer or when he's listening to rap. Thirdly, the little monkey jumps into just that - the personality of a small primate. This one mostly shows in warmer weather, when trees are abundant with leaves and buildings are without snow. He swings from poles, branches, cement walls, roofs - you name it. This delusion has the possibility of being the most dangerous, because the shit he swings from is usually really high up. My least favorite of Simon's many delusions is the twelve-year-old pouty girl personality. It seems when Simon leaps to this stage, you don't want to be here when he does. No right can come of this personality. Talking is bad, cause a fight is sure to ensue. Now, I'll give him the fact that I am a penis on occasion, so maybe this one is exaggerated. One that Si just proved, the Cocky-Hypocritical personality. This one can be related to myself, probably. Dan Webber, of Forbidden Planet, was reading this, and was laughing. Simon knew that this was about him, so of course, he's dying to read this. He warned us, "Remember the posting power!!!" We just laughed, and I now have a new example. Next, we have crazy coffee personality. The coffee personality comes out late, late at night, after several cups of Comet Joe. This one is almost never evident. He usually doesn't drink enough in one sitting to show any obvious change. Well, obvious change from his normal personality…if he has one…the angry, bitter, evil, satan-worshiping, cow fucking self that he normally is. My personal favorite crazy delusion is that of crazy defensive guy. This personality reminds me of that of George from "Seinfeld." While in this mode, Si will instantly retaliate to anything you say with some kind of defense. For instance, Dan was teasing Simon about what he would do in certain situations, such as his car breaking down. Before Dan finished the statement, Simon replied with, "I'D GET IT FIXED." The last personality delusion that Simon suffers from is his default personality, which he is not yet aware of, but will be after reading this. My good friend, Mike Houck pointed Simon's default personality out to me. I paraphrase as I remember, 'Simon reminds me of the author John Irving's character, "Owen Meany."' For those of you that don't know, Owen Meany is the main character of the book, A Prayer For Owen Meany. While reading this, a wonderful tale, the reader is introduced to Owen as a small child, and is led through Owen's short but purposeful life. It's hard to fully explain Owen and not ruin the book, but I don't care, so if you don't want the book to be forever ruined, don't read this. Owen was actually not human. He, according to himself, was merely a tool used by God to prevent a situation from happening. He is described as small, thin, and loud. All traits shared by Simon. He's friends with the narrator, a big stupid gumpy kid, a.k.a., me. Owen was not only described as loud, but as having the most "piercing" voice that you could possibly imagine. For emphasis in the book, Irving had all of Owen speaking parts printed in capital letters. "JOHNNY, YOUR MOTHER HAS THE BEST BREASTS OF ALL THE MOTHERS." Irving describes Owen's mother's pregnancy in detail toward the end of the novel. Apparently, similar to the birth of Christ, Owen's mother was conceived unnaturally, by some force or spirit or something. His parent's did not do the nasty to conceive him…I don't believe that this is the case for Simon. Although it would make for an interesting climax for this column. Basically, Simon is a terrific person who is more critical on himself than his friends are. He would do anything for you if he had to, and is anal retentive, just like me…I really do love him, and this is all in good fun…until he "retaliates instantly with a column about me. ![]() |