I love Midgets

Response from a Reader

My name is Adam Coyne and I am a JuCo Student from Iowa. We have a similar fascination with those little bundles of joy. Last semester I attended Iowa State University and we had quite a lot of fun pondering the lifestyles of the more exciting members of the miniature population. i have come to the conclusion that given the right circumstances and situation all midgets will revert to their natural, outright insane lifestyle.

Example: a posse of nine or thirteen midgets decide that they would love nothing more than to spend a night at the local BOWL-O-RAMA, and knock down a few pins while sipping some warmish cream sodas and cherry sarsparillas. Sounds like an innocent three foot high night on the town eh'? Well, thats exactly what it is until the eighth frame... Midget Billy, with a chance for a turkey with one more strike, who has been known to spike his friends' cream soda's with a little JOLT Cola, throws a gutter.

The owner of the establishment observes the incident, and, having hosted one too many unsuccessful Midget Bowling Nights, proceeds to take safe lodging behind the bar. A few of the more world-wise regular people also notice what happened, the gather up the women and children and evacuate the premesis in fearful haste.

Then, shortly after Midget Billy's ball enters the ball return chute, the madness breaks out. It starts with Midget Billy tearing around the place, foaming at the mouth and mercilessly flicking everyone in the ears. Well Midget Stewart does not take too kindly to this malicious act of Midgetine Mutiny and retaliates by following Midget Billy around and repeatedly stepping on the heels of his shoes. Midget Lyle, the mindless, yet mischevious follower of the group, wants a bit of the action also. He grabs the oppurtunity to finally be able to slide down the lane on his belly. Midget Tabatha, having much the same personality as Midget Lyle, only adds to the mayhem when she begins to make finger shadows in the scorer's lamp(widely known in the professional bowling circuit as the cardinal sin of the bowling patron [however, one must bear in mind that these are not your average bowling patrons]). Soon enough all the midgets break out in a full contact game of Midget-tipping, and you know how crazy that can get;) By the next day the the BOWL-O-RAMA is in shambles and no one is in sight but the owner, curled into the fetal position, drenched with cream soda fizz,sobbing into his hands...

So, as you can see, I and my friends have done quite a bit of extensive pondering on the subject of these fesescious little people, so I should hope that you will show respect for our expertise by printing this essay on your glorious and fascinating page. Lothar, Meathead, this one's for you and the boy's.

Adam Coyne


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